2018

Hello!

Or should I say, hello again? Here I am, writing after yet another long break from the blog to focus on my rather messy state of mind. But this time, I think it rather summed up 2018. I left this time because I started to panic about Christmas, about Christmas without Nanny, about presents, money, and my weight. On the 21st of December, myself and Joe went out with some friends as a last night out before Christmas. It was great fun and I drank far too much but by the time I came home, I was panicking about my weight and consequently put my fingers in my mouth and purged. Though I took it too far and have injured my stomach. So, as you can imagine, it's been a tricky old time this festive season, however I did have a lovely Christmas in the end. I'm sorry I didn't write, I hope you understand.

Before discussing the tougher points of 2018, I'd like to start with the good bits. I found a new place to live in Edinburgh where I'm far happier, and made some new friends along the way. This was a huge plus as I'd found myself stuck in a miserable position living wise and my friendship group wasn't quite there yet. More of the same next year I hope!

I also had a fantastic year of singing, taking part in a number of concerts across the year. I've had some fabulous moments with the choir but I think the highlight for me was our tour to Greece. I tackled two 4 hour flights, witnessed (and filmed) an engagement, and made strong bonds with my fellow choir members. It was a week of sun and laughter that I'm unlikely to forget and set me in good stead for my new committee position as social secretary.

As amazing as Greece was, I think I should also mention a more recent event that was filming for the BBC Big Sing with Aled Jones, Katherine Jenkins, Susan Boyle, Collabro, and The Overtones. The two episodes aired on 23rd and 30th December but you can catch them on Songs of Praise iPlayer. It was one of the most exhausting, exhilarating, and bizarre experiences of my life and to be honest, I have no other words to describe it other than "wow". I do hope that choir continues to be as eclectic next year!

I got through second year and landed myself a job working at the local maize maze. I loved it and can't wait to return next year for more painting, pulling (maize), and punters - though thankfully no more Peter Rabbit. Shout out to the friends I made along the way and here's to the next theme!

I turned 21! And although I may have consumed far too much tequila and shouted at my boyfriend for getting me water (sorry, Joe), I certainly had a lovely time. And it also meant the introduction of the camera and HD pictures to the blog. And whilst we're on the subject of birthdays, 'All in Your Head' celebrated its first birthday and I'd like to thank you all for every single read - it really does mean a lot.

In many ways, it's been a great year but in others it's been the toughest year of my life.

As you know, my Dad decided to disown me in August of this year and the pain of that is unlikely to go away for a long time. When something like that happens to you, you start to see good fathers everywhere. And it has certainly knocked my confidence. However I know I'd never have got through it without the love and support of those around me. The loss of dad has clouded many things in an often palpable veil of rage and grief but I've decided I'm not going to let it beat me and that I'm going to make a conscious effort to come out on top - I never was very good at losing! But I will also try to accept the grief for what it is and try and let myself feel it.

And then, just two months later, Nanny died. This hit me like a bus to be honest but I do feel that she is often with me whatever I do. I can often hear her voice in situations with exactly what she would say, and in what tone. And it has allowed me to properly grieve for her life before dementia. She lived a eclectic, full life, and I intend to do just the same. As I said before, I adored her, and I still adore her but I find comfort in the fact that she's with me wherever I go should I need her. So, I'm raising a glass to you, wherever you are.

And in my grief, the end of this year has really taken a toll on my overall confidence and mental health. The old feelings of body dysmorphia are raging as loudly as they ever were and I feel angry that I seem to have stepped back. I haven't purged since I was 18, and I certainly never did it as violently as last week. And it isn't nice that the pain in my stomach serves as a nasty reminder of what I've done. Though in light of this, I'd like to draw on the words of Gok Wan where he said, I will always have this disease, but I'm not going to let it have me. And I think that's going to be my goal for 2019 - not letting these vile illnesses have me.

So yeah, 2018 has been a tough old year but the fact I'm writing this whilst preparing for our NYE bash rather than crying in a corner proves that I might just be a little bit tougher. Chin chin, lads - stay safe and cheers for all the support!

Lots of Love,

Sarah xxx

Today's Track: 'The Dreams We Never Lost' by Tide Lines