Loss.

Hello,

Today's post is perhaps the hardest thing I've ever had to write but I feel like if I didn't write about it, I may never write again. It's been eating away at me for the past couple of months and to be honest, I feel like I owe my family an explanation for what is going on, and I also owe my readers an explanation for the shitty content. So here goes...

Almost two months ago now, a couple of weeks before university started up again, my Dad disowned me. I've been kind of trying to pretend it's not real but there it is in black and white.

I guess the first question you'd ask is why. Unfortunately I don't fully know why. We had been in a bad place for two years and I had been trying to reach out for the 6 months previous to this event but I guess he didn't want me anymore. I wish I could explain the thought processes that led to it but all I have is an email telling me what he was going to do, signed with his name rather than "Dad".

One thing I know for sure is that this isn't my fault. I've done nothing wrong. But that knowledge does not mean that I don't have this awful sense of shame and embarrassment that my own father doesn't want me anymore. It doesn't stop the hurting. But I'd like to think that I've now gotten over the initial stages of embarrassment as I'm actually openly admitting this has happened. And now I want to let people know how I feel.

At first, it was like an out of body experience. It was just so bizarre that I couldn't really feel anything other than intense bewilderment and the sense that all the air had been knocked out of my lungs. Then came defiance. Who even needs a dad, I thought. I have a wonderful step-dad who's looked after me for the past 21 years. I'm fine. And then a week or so ago, it hit me; the whole horrifying reality of what he had done hit me like a bus.

I started sobbing in my room but I wouldn't describe it as ordinary sobbing. The sort of grief sobbing that feels like your heart might explode, your arteries to your brain might burst, and you may never breathe again. Of course these episodes pass but I've never experienced pain like it. But it's not just crying. I've started to really notice life happening. This truly odd sensation that life is carrying on but there's now this monstrous thing roaring in the background. And it's made me think about my own life. My youngest nephew is taking his first steps and he will probably see that as he has not cut ties with my sister. But he won't see my children take their first steps. I will graduate, maybe graduate again, get married, have children, have a career... and he won't see any of it. And one day, he will be truly gone from the earth and will I grieve again? Who knows?

Life always prepares you for your loved ones to die. It's expected. But nothing can prepare you for this. There's no closure. He's out there living his life and having experiences that I will now never be a part of and I assume he's happy. I can still wonder if he ever thinks of me and that is more painful I think.

Because no-one can prepare you for this autonomous silence. His birthday happened, shortly followed by my 21st birthday with no discussion. Christmas will follow and family events will happen but I now have to accept that there will be an autonomous gap there. I call it that because that gap does not have to be there. If he had died, I could accept this gap as natural but with this, that gap has been created.

And yet, I expected to feel angry with other people - with his wife, maybe even my sister because he chose her and not me, but I don't. And I know this is very difficult if you have ever experienced a loss like this but the way I see it, nobody made him send that email. Nobody chose for this to happen to me. Kim did not choose to be in the position she is now in and she should not ever feel guilty. I will always love her the same.

I'm not pretending that it doesn't hurt, feeling like I'm the ugly duckling he didn't want but that is his choice, no-one else's.

And I'm sure that as time goes by, there will be a day when I don't want to cry about this, there will be a night out where I don't sob at the end, there will be a time when I can feel at peace with this. And although it feels that those days are never going to come, I hope that one day I can actually truthfully believe that my dad disowned me but it wasn't my fault.

Right now, it does feel like my fault. That I wasn't good enough, or smart enough, or kind enough. I wasn't perfect. That he was ashamed of my "condition" of anxiety as he called it. That I was a blight. But I am trying not to think like that. I really am trying.

Now, I don't want pity, or to be treated like a breakable object. I just felt it best to let people know maturely, without having to say the words as I find it very difficult to say them out loud just now. I also don't want anyone's anger. I especially don't want any anger aimed at anyone else. I deal with things quietly and I would like that to be respected.

The love I have for every single one of my family members has not changed in light of this and I wanted you to have that in writing.

I'm sorry that this was a lot and that it may have been difficult to read but I had to say something. Though I feel terrified about publishing this.

Lots of Love,

Sarah xxx

Today's Track: 'Why Her Not Me" by Grace Carter. She went through the same and I have found so much comfort in her words. Do give it a listen